Brian and Chris
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Seeking to bond and hopefully develop a lasting relationship with Chris, Brian uses Stewie's time machine to take Chris to Ancient Rome for a school project. Too bad he forgot the return pad. Rated M for strong language, sexual references, drama, pop culture references, historical references and drug/ alcohol references.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Midnight

Brian walked downstairs, not able to sleep due to a persistent dream when he saw Chris sitting on the couch staring a blank TV in the dark. Stopping on the stairwell Brian lay down on his stomach and watched Chris, wondering what it was he was doing.

Chris breathed in deeply and pulled out a bag of cocaine, causing Brian to perk his ears up attentively and lift his head slightly in alert. Chris then emptied the bag and began cutting the coke up into two decent sized strands. Just as Chris was about to pull out a straw and snort, Brian stopped him. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Brian asked as he squeezed through the railing, not bothering to take the rest of the stairs. "I should ask the same of you" Chris answered, seeing Brian struggling with great difficulty to fit through the railing, "Damn" Brian said to himself, "I used to be able to do this no problem. Guess I need to work out more." Chris rolled his eyes annoying;y and walked over to Brian, grabbing his forearms and pulling him out between the railings.

Brian looked down awkwardly, "Chris" he said, "do you mind putting me down? I can stand just fine on my own." Chris looked over Brian and nodded understandably, "Sorry" he replied as he set Brian down and walked back over to the couch. Chris pulled out a straw and leaned over the table, before he did anything further he turned to Brian, "You're not goanna tell Mom and Dad are you?" Brian shrugged and sat in the armchair on the other side of the living room, "I might" Brian answered, "In fact I have to Chris." Chris groaned and sat up straight, "Come on man" Chris whined, "I thought you were cool with this!" Brian shook his head in disagreement, "Fucking with some 420 is one thing. But if I see you fucking with cocaine, meth or heroin I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you Chris. You should fucking know better." Chris stared at Brian in disbelief, "I'd never thought I'd see the day when Brian Griffin gave me a lecture on drug awareness. Now I've seen everything."

Brian stood up and sat next to Chris to make the conversation more personal, "Listen Chris" Brian began, "I know I'm not your father and personally I don't give a shit if you don't listen to me. But do you honestly believe that Lois is going to stand for this? You think she won't kill you, take it from experience man you do not want to see Lois' backhand or worse the big ass frying pan hanging in the kitchen coming to take your head off, cause either or will do it." Chris laughed at this remembering the day that Brian came home on almost every drug that he could get, "I remember that day" Chris replied, "You were blind for a week!" Brian smiled and carefully began sweeping up the cocaine with his hands but upon realizing that he had nowhere to put it began rubbing it into his fur, he was risking a lifetime in prison and a felony charge but it would be worth it to see Chris clean.

"So" Brian began, trying to start a conversation, "tell me about yourself. What do you like to do?" Chris responded with a deadpan stare, "Why the sudden interest in me?" Chris asked, "You never seemed to care before." Brian shrugged, not really knowing the answer but immediately finding one after a few seconds, "A dog should know his boy" Brian answered, "I know that we're not close, not by any means...and honestly I don't know how much longer I have left, five to eight years I'd figure." Brian laughed, counting in his head how long he had been with the family, "I've been with you guys going on seven years now and I barely even know you Chris. I'd like to think that we could really have something. I want to be a part of your life, because if I'm not, you'll just forget about me as soon as I'm gone..." Brian trailed off, unable to finish and yet not really needing to.

Chris sat up in his seat and thought about what Brian said, "This is the longest conversation we've ever had" he said aloud, "Is that fucking sad or what?" Brian laughed in agreement, "It's pretty fucking sad Chris" the dog replied, "Fucking sad indeed." Chris smiled and finally gave Brian what he wanted. "I like to draw" Chris began, "I always wanted to do a character piece but I can't find anyone who would do it." Brian perked up at this, "I'll do it" he answered, "You sure?" Chris continued, "You'll have to stay perfectly still." Brian nodded in understanding and allowed Chris to continue. Chris pulled out a drawing pad and a pencil. "Tell me something Brian" Chris said as he began working on the outline, "Did you ever consider leaving us? Going off on your own?" This question was one that Brian asked himself multiple times and one that he had a hard time answering. "I've thought about it" Brian answered, "I've thought about it more times than I'd like to. I think the reason is because I never thought I'd ever end up in a place like Quahog. I had dreams of living in Italy; I would have a big house, a wife, the whole deal. I would work as a teacher or maybe become a fisherman." Chris smiled as Brian said "teacher", thinking that Brian would be perfect for the job, but also remembering that Brian had been a teacher, the experience was one that was best left forgotten.

Chris was halfway through the drawing; he was now on Brian's torso. "Enough about me" Brian said hoping to get back to Chris, "I want to know about you." Chris shrugged and rubbed his left hand through his hair, "I fucking hate dogs" Chris replied, causing Brian to become uncomfortable, "They eat their own shit, sniff their own ass, shed everywhere, bark constantly, have hyperactive attention spans, no control, always in the way and when you actually need them to do something they just ignore you." Brian casually flopped his ears side to side just to have something to do, he sighed heavily, not really sure how to respond to Chris' statement. After several seconds of silence, Brian spoke, "Is that really what you think of dogs?" Chris nodded, too busy drawing to give a verbal response, "And what do you think of me?" Chris shrugged as if he was indifferent on the issue, "I honestly don't know what to think about you Brian" he answered, "One minute you're a dog, scratching your ears, humping stuffed animals, and the next you're driving a car and drinking a martini. So I have to ask..." Brian stared at Chris intently, his eyes were wet but no tears came out, "What are you?"

Brian looked around aimlessly but kept the lower half of his body completely still, "You don't know how many times I've asked that same fucking question. I still don't know what the hell I am. It's like part of me is human, I can feel it. But another part is a dog. Two very different people inside of one person you know and someone has to be dominant." Brian laughed the more he thought about it, "I haven't been a dog in a long time." Chris stopped drawing and looked up at Brian curiously, "What makes you say that?" Brian shook his head not believing that he was actually talking about the issue, "Because if I'm a dog I would know you inside and out Chris. I wouldn't be asking any of these questions. I would already know the answers; I would know what you're feeling and when you're feeling it. Because a dog should love his boy, and right now Chris, you're my boy."

Chris didn't know what to say or what to feel. He was completely expressionless and so to give his mind something to do continued with his drawing of Brian. "I'm doing this project for history class" Chris said in an attempt to switch topics, "its about Ancient Rome...I was thinking, if you want to, you could help me with it?" Brian's smile stretched all the way across his face as soon as Chris said "Ancient Rome", an idea immediately popped into his head. "Did you say Ancient Rome?" Brian asked for clarification as he leaned in, "Don't move" Chris exclaimed, "I'm almost done...just got to put in the details." Brian raised his eyebrows, "Details? What details?" Chris laughed and shook his head, "I want it to be realistic. So I'm drawing your penis." Brian's eyes practically bulged at this; instinctively he looked down and saw that his penis was basically inside of itself. "Please be gentle Chris" Brian begged, "My penis is like a turtle, it loves to hide, but as soon as it finds some green, it stretches it's head as far as it can go."

Chris tried to stifle a laugh, causing Brian to do the same, eventually they found themselves laughing till their sides hurt, "To think it took talking about my dick to get us to laugh about something" Brian said, still in the middle of laughing, "Yeah" Chris added, "Your little turtle penis." Chris did some final detailing and turning the drawing pad over to Brian.

In the drawing Brian was wearing glasses and a tweed jacket. His arms were casually at his side; his head was crooked, favoring the right as his ears flopped playfully around. Brian followed the drawing down and noticed that Chris' drawing of his penis was unfortunately accurate, a small sack and even smaller penis connected to the sack could be seen clearly. As for Brian's hind legs they were in front of him, barely concealing anything. Working his way back up Brian fell upon the eyes and the mouth. In the drawing, Brian's face seemed sad, heavy bags could be seen under the eyes, his mouth wasn't smiling, but it wasn't necessarily a frown either. The detail on the fur was something to be commended, every major hair on the face was there. Taking in the whole picture, Brian saw himself, but he also saw more than that. He saw his inner feelings, his deepest desires and his worst fears.

"This is incredible" Brian declared turning towards Chris, "it really is Chris." Chris nodded in understanding and smiled, "You can throw it away if you want to" Chris said humbly, "Are you kidding?" Brian replied, "This is Michelangelo material here." Chris huffed, "No it isn't" he said sadly, "It's just a drawing." Brian shook his head and put his hand firmly on Chris' shoulder, "It's not just a drawing Chris. Not to me. What you just did, this is what you see isn't it? How you see me. I couldn't ask for anything better because this is the best thing that I could ask for." Chris still shook this off as if it were nothing but Brian wasn't having it, "Stop being so damn humble!" he continued with a smile," You've got to believe in yourself Chris. If you know anything about me, anything at all you would know that when it comes to my kids I never lie. What I said before is true. You are special, you have talent and I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now." Brian stopped himself, realizing what he was saying and began tearing up, "I know I'm not your father. But I love you like one. I seriously do consider you my boy Chris. And Meg and Stewie are also mine in the same way. I know it's crazy and maybe a little weird to you, it is for me too but I don't know how else to say how much I love you guys."

Chris pulled Brian in for a hug; they stayed that way for twenty seconds. "So you were saying something?" Chris said after breaking away, "Something about Ancient Rome." It took Brian a few minutes to register what Chris was talking about, "Oh right" Brian replied, "Follow me." Brian, taking the drawing with him walked upstairs with Chris following close behind.

After hanging up the drawing in his section of Stewie's room, for he had decided to take permanent residence there, Brian walked over to Stewie's now rebuilt time machine and turned it on. "What is it?" Chris asked, looking at it curiously, "It's a time machine" Brian answered straightly, "Stewie and I kinda have thing where we travel to random time periods once per season." Chris nodded in partial understanding, "And who built this?" Chris asked, pressing for information, "Me and Stewie" Brian answered, "Well mostly Stewie. I just held the blueprints but my name still found its way on the thing." Brian pointed to the lower corner of the machine where he and Stewie had signed their names in a silver Sharpie. Brian smiled and pulled out the sliver Sharpie before turning to Chris, "Sign it" he said, "Why?" Chris asked confusingly, "Because we're goanna go see Ancient Rome. And anyone who uses this thing has to sign it." Chris looked at the time machine looking for a place to put his signature when he found the perfect place. Chris smiled and handed the Sharpie back to Brian, "The perfect place" Chris declared pointing to his signature, "Right next to the best whatever in the world." Brian hugged Chris tighter than he ever hugged anyone in his life, "Thank you Chris" Brian said trying not to choke up, "It means a lot to hear you say that."

Brian and Chris stepped inside the time machine and closed the door. "So how does this thing work?" Chris asked turning to Brian, "You just punch in the date and the location and it takes you there." Chris shrugged and put in the correct information for Ancient Rome and pressed the green button on the wall, in an instant both of them disappeared.

Stewie woke up just as Brian and Chris closed the door to the time machine. Looking around he saw that everything was normal. As soon as he saw the bright blue light coming from underneath the cracks of the door he looked for his backpack, finding it open next to the time machine. Inside of it was the return pad. Stewie remembered hearing Brian's voice give Chris instructions on how to use the machine and laughed the more he thought about it, "Fucking idiot" Stewie said as he drifted back to sleep, "Hope they like Ancient Rome...Won't see me going there, no fucking way. Chariot races, assassinations, it's almost medieval. Well I guess technically it's not, sense it was before the Middle Ages but still, completely barbaric." Stewie then went back to a deep sleep, putting Brian and Chris completely out of his mind.


	2. Don't Do As The Romans Do

Chapter One

Don't Do As the Romans Do

Brian and Chris appeared in the middle of the Colosseum. Looking around they noticed that it was a full house and that they were on the arena floor. "Welcome to Rome" Brian said enthusiastically, "So what do you think?" Chris' face was one of shock and complete disbelief, "Where the fuck are we?" Chris screamed turning to Brian who only had a smile on his face, "I figured you wouldn't believe me. Trust me Chris you're not dreaming." Chris immediately began laughing, at that moment however a chariot came by, "What the fuck!" Chris said still screaming as he ducked out of the way. "Just relax man" Brian reassured, "Take me back Brian" Chris begged, "Take me back right now!" Brian looked around innocently, "What's the problem? You said you needed help with your project and this was the best way I could do it. What better way than to experience it firsthand?"

Chris' nose was flaring at this, his face became red with anger as he squared up to Brian, "When I said I needed help, I didn't think traveling through time was going to be on the fucking table you fucking asshole! Now take me the fuck back before I kill you." Brian lifted his hands in surrender, "Alright, alright, Jesus Christ you're worse than Stewie is." Chris' eyes twitched nervously at this, "Did you just say Jesus Christ?" Brian nodded, "Oh you didn't know? I converted about a month ago." Chris huffed in disbelief, "Okay the drug lecture I can buy but you being a Christian, not so much." Brian laughed heartedly, "I'm serious Chris. I believe in God." At that moment one of the guards came up behind Brian, "What did you just say?" he asked as he raised his spear, "I said I believed in God" Brian repeated as he turned around. "Blasphemer!" the guard cried, "There is only one God here. And that is Caesar." Brian shook his head in disagreement, "Well last I checked All High and Mighty Caesar was nothing more than a man. But the Christ, that guy, is really something." The guard pulled out a whip and whipped Brian as hard as he could, Chris immediately went on the defensive, transferring his rage towards the guard and tackling him to the ground...

Brian stood in the middle of the arena, completely naked, which a step too far from what he was to begin with, his face and back bloody from the whips. Chris meanwhile was next to Caesar, dressed like a prostitute, his hands tied and his man boobs exposed. Caesar, who was the splitting image of Stewie, stood up and addressed the crowd. "This fool" he began, "dares defy me by proclaiming his belief in the blasphemer and usurper, Jesus of Nazareth." The crowd immediately began booing, "Shall we see him mauled?" The crowd cheered in agreement, "Alright then. Release the lioness!"

Brian hung his head; "Shit" he said to himself, "Is it too late to say that I lied?" he asked hoping for an answer, "Cause I lied, I really don't care about religion. I'm a fucking atheist damn it." The guard heard the last part and turned towards Caesar, "Sir" he began, "He says he's an atheist. What should we do?" Caesar shrugged, "Kill him anyway. It's about time we have a mauling around here." Brian, in a panic, began dancing to a song that only he could hear, "How's this working?" Brian asked to no one in particular, "Are you not entertained?" A man in the stands stood up and shouted towards Brian, "Yeah, can you juggle?" Brian stared at the man with a confused look, "Juggle? Do I look like a circus clown?" The man shrugged and looked Brian over, "Yes actually you do." Brian looked himself over and flipped the middle finger towards the man, "Fuck you sir." The man sat down, causing the woman next to him to stand up, "Can you sing?" she asked. Brian smiled at this, "Can I sing?" he said rhetorically, "Sure I can sing." At that moment the gate opened, the woman say this and turned towards Brian, "Never mind. I'll think I'll just watch you die instead!"

The lioness stepped out in the arena; Brian immediately stopped and looked on. "Okay Brian" Brian continued giving a pep talk, "You can do this. Just like camp. Lion, hundreds of people watching you as you stand naked. All that's missing is a tree." Brian looked to his right and saw a tree, "Yep. Just like camp." Brian shook his head and continued his pep talk, "Now calmly make your way to the door and-" Brian was cut off by the roar of the lioness, "never mind." The lioness approached Brian slowly; her hips swaying gracefully side to side, her eyes were a deep blue, her mouth, which was open flashing her teeth which were pearly white. Brian stared at the lioness intensively, "Why am I turned on right now?" he asked to no one in particular, "Seriously, why am I turned on?"

Chris could barely watch, "Fuck he's dead!" he cried, "Shut up bitch" Caesar commanded, "Now do me a favor, take off that outfit and dance for me." Chris stared at Caesar with a troubled look, "I'm sorry?" he asked hoping that he had become temporarily deaf, "I said take off your clothes and dance for me you Fatty McFatAss" Caesar repeated. Chris stood motionless, Caesar immediately brought a whip to Chris, "I said dance you miserable fuck!" Chris cried and began dancing, stripping down at the same time. When Chris got down to his underwear, Caesar stopped him, "Take them off slowly" Caesar said, his voice now softer in tone. Chris nodded and slowly took off his underwear, "Good" Caesar continued as he brought his hand inside of his pants, "Now do me a favor and strut." Chris' eyes bulged at this, "Excuse me?" Caesar stood up, "Never mind" he said as he walked towards Chris, "Just stand still and let me do this." Chris tried to protest but before he could Caesar whipped him again, this time harder, "Stop resisting and let me fuck you" Caesar cried, "Brian!" Chris cried helplessly, "You never mentioned Caesar being a rapist!" Brian heard this but didn't respond, for he was too busy trying to defuse his own situation.

The lioness circled Brian carefully, looking him over and trying to find any weaknesses, while she was doing this Brian tried talking his way out of the situation. "Listen" Brian began, "I know that you probably don't understand me and that's fine but I just want to say something. I think you're amazing." The lioness huffed, "Flattery will get you nowhere dog" she replied, her voice a thick Italian accent. Brian nodded and switched tactics "Ok then how about this. You let me go, help me get Chris and I'll get you out of here." The lioness laughed hysterically before becoming serious once again, "You're cute. Real cute..." Brian perked up at this, "Really? So like, how cute am I?" The lioness laughed again, "You don't have a chance with me. We're just too different, besides you're not that cute. So I'm afraid you're going to have to die now." Brian groaned annoyingly, "Fuck me!" he screamed, "Gladly" the lioness answered immediately sending a shiver up Brian's spine, "Really?" Brian asked hopefully, "Cause I've never fucked a lion before. This'll be interesting." The lioness gave Brian a deadpan stare and said nothing, "That's not what you meant isn't it?" Brian continued, the lioness still remained silent, "Right then." Brian immediately began running around the arena.

The lioness was right on Brian's heels, "Okay it's official" Brian shouted as he continued running, "Best run I've ever fucking had!" Brian turned around and began running backwards. "Come on baby; let's see how fast you can run." The lioness only roared in response, causing Brian to run faster and out of the Colosseum, Brian looked up and began talking to whoever was listening, "Ah, I'm fucked aren't I?" He went unanswered but he didn't really care and simply continued running smiling the entire way as he entered the Roman streets.

Chris meanwhile continued dancing and whimpering, "Please let me go" Chris cried, "I have asthma!" Caesar looked around the arena and saw that it was empty and then saw the open arena door and sighed, " For the love of me someone get the African boy on that lion pronto." Chris whimpered in fear, "What are you going to do with me?" he asked fearfully, "What am I going to do?" Caesar said mockingly, laughing as he did so. Turning to Octavius, his assistant, Caesar smiled and pointed to Chris, "Take him to my chambers. Bathe him, scrub every inch of his body." Octavius saluted and draped a towel over Chris, covering his naked body while Caesar gathered Chris' clothes and inhaled his scent before walking with Octavius and his bodyguards into the streets heading towards the palace.

Brian ran through the marketplace, jumping over fruit stands, potters, and carpet dealers trying to avoid the jaws of the lioness that was chasing him. "Stand corrected" Brian said to himself, as he stopped taking a breather behind a pillar. Looking around Brian saw that the street was empty; he gave a sigh of relief only to turn around and stare at the lioness' teeth, sharp and ready to tear into his flesh. "Any last words?" the lioness asked, thinking that she was been generous and not just eating him on the spot. "Yeah" Brian said slowly, "It's time for me to...get out of here!" Brian scrambled his way back into the street, the lioness giving chase once again.

In an attempt to slow her down, Brian began knocking over everything that he possibly could but anything he did the lioness only plowed through it as if it was nothing. "You've got to be kidding me" Brian exclaimed as he turned around briefly and continued running. The lioness roared and leaped for Brian's right leg, clamping down on it, causing Brian to scream in pain as he desperately attempted to tear his leg away,"Chris!" he screamed, "Chris help me!" Brian's cries went unanswered, his struggling only causing the lioness to bite down harder, taking the whole leg with her.

Brian lay the street, slowly bleeding out due his right leg being in the mouth of the lioness and crawled towards the palace. The lioness calmly walked over and got in Brian's way, "No" she replied coldly, "You're coming with me." Brian laughed sarcastically as he coughed up blood, "Aren't you goanna take me to dinner first?" The lioness growled annoyingly, "Caesar wants you dead. But I have a better idea, a much better idea." Brian rolled his eyes, "So do I, you, me and luxurious garden. What do you say, wanna try some dog?" The lioness shook her head, "I hate Vietnamese" she declared, "Besides, I think Caesar will want to deal with you personally. I mean after all-" The lioness was cut off by a spear going through her skull, in an instant and African boy by the name of Doju appeared.

Doju was dressed in a tunic and was barefooted. Looking at Brian he immediately saw his leg and tore off a good section of his tunic to stop the bleeding. "Thank you" Brian said weakly, "I was really fucked up" Brian chuckled to himself, "Hell, I am fucked up." Doju said nothing and picked up Brian gently, "Where are you taking me?" Brian asked turning to Doju, "Caesar" Doju answered. "Of course" Brian exclaimed, "Will he make salad?" Doju stared at Brian in confusion, "You know salad" Brian continued, "Like Caesar salad- you know what never mind. Just take me away." Doju rolled his eyes annoyingly and re-positioned Brian in his arms before continuing towards the palace.


	3. The Walk-On Supporting Characters

Chapter Two

The Walk-On Supporting Characters

Chris was in Caesar's chambers getting sized up. Octavius groaned as he rolled Chris' fat back and revealed the boy's genitals.

"Ever heard of manscaping?" Octavius asked with disgust

"Is it that bad?" Chris replied

"It looks like you came out of the bush and some of its still there" Octavius answered annoyingly as he pulled out a knife and began cutting off Chris' pubic hair.

"Hey!" Chris screamed, "Leave me alone" he tried to loosen his hands and feet, which were tied to a wheel that was nailed to the floor, in short, Chris wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

Brian meanwhile, was in Caesar's throne room, the stub that used to be his right leg was wrapped in a bloody rag. Doju was holding a large piece of hot coal with a pair of tongs; he unwrapped Brian's leg and began to solder it. Brian screamed in agonizing pain, Doju did his best to silence him.

"Be quiet!" Doju whispered sharply, "Caesar is about to speak!" Brian spat in Doju's face, more out of pain than disrespect.

"Yeah?" Brian replied, "Well you can tell Caesar to that he can burn in Hell for all I care! I'm sure Hades will have a good time with him."

Doju rolled his eyes annoyingly, "Never talk about Caesar that way; you'll get your head cut off."

Brian huffed in disbelief, and then he remembered his Roman history class that he took during his brief time at Brown University. It was more likely that if anything he would get mauled to death again, and this there would be no means of escape.

Caesar walked in the room, behind him was Octavius and Chris, who was dressed exactly like Slave Leia from Star Wars Episode Six; he even had the walk down. It was creepy.

"Oh Chris" Brian thought, "What the hell did they do to you?"

Caesar sat down in his throne and looked around the room. Octavius moved in front of the throne and pulled out a long scroll with a list of names. "First...Counselor Maximus Cartonuis and Philosopher Marcus Muldoon of Carthage, here to present a gift to His Most High Caesar."

Counselor Maximus and Philosopher Marcus entered the courtroom. Brian noticed that Marcus looked strangely familiar, for he was almost identical to him save that Marcus glasses and a professional demeanor. Chris recognized Maximus, who was short had a bit of bucktooth and wore round glasses.

"Mr. Peabody?" Brian exclaimed as he looked towards Chris, "It's Mr. Peabody!"

Chris nodded in agreement, "I wonder what they're doing here."

Brian rolled his eyes, "No idea" he replied, "But let's hope they can get us out of here."

Maximus, also known as Mr. Peabody and Marcus, also known as Sherman, bowed respectively to Caesar and pulled out a peace offering. Octavius stared at Marcus glaringly for Carthaginians were by no means friends of Romans. Peabody pulled out a scroll while Marcus walked over to the corner of the room, returned with a large golden statue of Caesar.

"Mighty Caesar" Peabody began, "We come here bearing gifts glorifying you in your name."

Caesar was indifferent to this and only yawned at the sight of the statue, for he had several that were just as magnificent, some even bigger than the one that was before him. Brian turned to Doju.

"Stand me up Doju" he asked

Doju shook his head, "You're still wounded" he replied

"Don't tell me what's wrong with me!" Brian barked as Doju soldered his leg once again, "Just get me up!"

Doju sighed and complied with Brian's wishes. Doju wrapped his arm around Brian's shoulder and crouched down on his knees, for the dog was significantly shorter than him by three feet, and walked to the middle of the room.

"What are you doing slave?" Octavius asked, Caesar straightened up, interested to see what would develop.

Doju looked at Brian and then back at Octavius, "He wishes to speak General" Doju answered.

"I believe that Counselor Maximus was speaking you naive idiot!" Octavius bellowed, "Show some respect and get that mutt out of here!"

Doju nodded and started to lead Brian away, but Brian held him back, "Excuse me General" Brian began, "But might I have a word with the Counselor?"

Octavius growled and drew his sword, "No you may not! You will be silent or I shall start cutting things off of you!"

Brian gulped dramatically and immediately looked down at his genitals, having a good idea as to what Octavius meant.

"Do we have an understanding?" Octavius asked. Brian nodded and motioned for Doju to carry him back to his place next to the throne.

"Now where was I?" Peabody began again, "Ah yes...we give these gifts in friendship and prosperity, that we might not start the Punic War and have a lot of senseless violence and death."

Octavius and Caesar had no idea what Peabody was talking about for they hated the Carthaginians, but they didn't hate them _that_ much, at least not yet. Although now that the subject was brought up Octavius and Caesar were beginning to think that a war with Carthage was a good idea, competition and all that.

Caesar had Peabody and Sherman sit in the corner of the room. Caesar then had Chris stand before him.

"Octavius!" Caesar yelled, "Bring in the minstrels and be quick about it!" Octavius leaned in and whispered into Caesar's ear, "Oh...yeah I forgot about that execution. No matter"

Caesar looked around the room, his eyes fell upon Brian, "That cripple, he'll do!" Octavius sighed deeply, for he had no interest in seeing anyone suffer through pain, especially someone in Brian's condition. He may have been in service to Caesar and he may have taken an oath, but even Octavius had standards.

Octavius walked over to Brian and Doju, the latter instantly stepped in front of Octavius, "It's alright" Octavius said, "I won't hurt him."

Doju shook his head, "I'm sorry sir, but I won't let you touch him. He's hurt."

Octavius nodded, "I know that Doju" he replied for the first time calling him by name, "But Caesar commands."

Doju gritted his teeth and stepped aside, giving Octavius the evil stare. Brian stared at Octavius fearfully, wondering what it was that he was going to do. Octavius picked Brian up, accidentally touching Brian's leg, causing the dog to cringe in pain. Octavius grabbed a stick and handed it to Brian before standing him up on his good leg.

Leaning on the stick Brian looked at Caesar, "What does Caesar command?" the dog asked painfully

Caesar laughed as if he couldn't believe that Brian had even asked the question, "I command you to sing for the courtesans."

A long line of courtesans appeared, all of them dressed identical to Chris, who began trembling out of fear.

"Relax Chris" Brian said reassuringly, "I'll get us out of this...somehow."

Peabody whispered something to Sherman and they both walked up to the line, taking on the guise of the courtesans.

Brian tried to think of something to sing but ultimately came up with nothing for in all the stress and pain, he had forgotten every lyric to every song that he ever knew. Chris saw this and came to Brian's rescue.

Chris looked around the room and down the line of courtesans, recognizing Peabody and Sherman at the end of the line. Chris immediately had an idea.

"Oh Mighty Caesar" he began, "Brian is unable to grant your request. May I perhaps take his place in this honor?"

Caesar nodded in approval. Brian, slowly and painfully with Octavius' assistance, made his way back to the throne.

Chris cleared his throat. With his hands he made signals to Sherman, who interpreted this to Peabody and the courtesans. Chris then began to sing.

_Take it or leave me behind because you know that you never did care at all._

_ My poor ears have had it, you're coming in static_

_ Face down on the floor, turned out across the board like a million times before_

_ You're living it up now; just wait till it goes down._

Peabody and Sherman moved towards Chris, Brian simply stared on in confusion along with Octavius and Caesar.

_How did you get everything you want, when you never a thing to deserve what you got?_

_ You've got it made, got it all for yourself because that's the only thing_

_ You really seem to care about._

Caesar made the connection that the song was about him, at first he was humbled, until he heard the second part of the first verse, then he was infuriated. He turned towards Octavius and ordered him to send the guards, Octavius remained motionless. Caesar slammed his fist on this throne; this was enough to send guards streaming in through all directions. Chris, Peabody and Sherman continued singing.

_Something tells me I'm in for good, then the bottle opens_

_ And here we go again._

_ I won't let you drag me again, no_

_ Not one bit to get yourself back up._

_ I hope that for your sake, you make it out in time_

_ So leave the light on or you'll never make it out alive._

The guards drew closer, Chris, Peabody and Sherman in response moved closer to Caesar's throne_. _Doju, having a good idea on what they were doing, picked Brian up and slipped out the door. They were almost stopped by the guards, "Let them go" Octavius commanded, "They are under my protection."

Brian looked towards Octavius and barked, too weak to speak. Octavius nodded in understanding and turned back to Caesar.

Chris and the others, for the sake of the situation skipped the next verse and jumped right back into the chorus. Octavius gave them the same kindness that he gave Brian and ordered the guards to pass, who followed his order without question. Caesar gave a glaring look at Octavius.

"Traitor! Guards, arrest him!" They remained motionless. Octavius smiled and finished the song as he too made his way out the door, throwing down his medallion, his symbol of office and rank in the Roman Army.

_All you have, has been falling down around you_

_ And I found a way, found a way to get along without you_

Brian and Doju found a cart with a horse outside, setting Brian inside; Doju took the reins and was just about to start off towards Delphi when Chris, Peabody and Sherman came out of the palace. They were running as fast as they could, trying to escape the spears that were being thrown at them by Caesar's guards.

"Go, go" Peabody screamed, "Get out of here!"

Doju let down on the reins as hard as he could, causing the horse to gallop at half speed. Peabody and Chris reached the cart and jumped on, Sherman was lagged behind. Peabody looked behind and urged him on.

"Come on Sherman!" he cried, "Get on the wagon." Sherman rolled his eyes, _"Yeah"_ he thought, _"Because I wasn't thinking of that all!"_

Just when it looked like Sherman was going to get left behind, Octavius came from behind, picked up Sherman and threw him into the wagon like a javelin, Chris catching him at the last second just as he would've gone over the wagon and overshot it by several feet only to get crushed by the wheels.

"Thank you good sir" Peabody exclaimed.

Brian gave Peabody a glaring look, _"I believe that I'm the only dog who deserves to be in this story"_ he thought to himself, _" I did not become an amputee to play second banana to a walk on damn it!"_

Peabody could see that Brian was agitated and so sat in the back of the wagon in silence. Brian huffed annoyingly; Octavius was still running towards the wagon. Brian turned towards Doju.

"Doju!" he screamed, "slow down."

Doju looked behind him and comforted by the fact that they were no longer being chased (save by Octavius) and slowed down. Octavius finally caught up to the wagon and got in the back.

"Thanks for stopping" Octavius said to Doju and Brian, "Now...does anybody know where we're going?"

Doju nodded, "Yes General, we're going to Delphi."

Octavius laughed, "Delphi! You don't want to go to no Delphi. No, you want Pompeii. That's where the action is!"

Peabody was about to retort, no doubt to bring up the Mount Vesuvius eruption, but before he could Brian gave a threatening growl.

"Don't you say another word" Brian said as he snapped his teeth, "I've had enough of you talking and taking things from me. I will not be upstaged by you. I didn't become an amputee just so that I could get neutered and shown up by the Smartest Dog in the World, a fact that is arguable at best. So why don't you just shut up about your facts that no one here knows about and go back to tending to your creepy annoying human son that is physically impossible for you to have and leave me the fuck alone!"

Chris was about to mention that Brian also had a human son, Dylan, but before he could say anything Brian shot a look at him that told him that now was not the time for talking.

Octavius pulled out a lute and began playing. Sherman handed out an extra pair of clothes for Chris, who was now in the front of the wagon. Peabody took over the driving and Doju tended to Brian's leg. They made their way towards Delphi, despite Octavius protests and claims that Delphi was extremely boring.

"It's safer" Peabody replied, "Besides, we need to get Brian to a doctor."

Brian huffed, "I never gave you my name Mr. Know It All. So how'd you figure it out?"

Peabody laughed, "I'm a dog, and you're a dog. I have a nose, end of story."

Brian groaned, forgetting the one thing about himself that was literally right in front of his face, _"Great"_ Brian continued in his head, _"He's showing me up as a dog too. At least he can't sing."_

Peabody began singing Fly Me to The Moon by Frank Sinatra, only Sherman and Chris got it, Brian just scowled as he thought about Peabody's singing ability, which was quite good.

_"That's it. I hate this guy."_

Doju was mixing up a natural remedy which Brian took without question, it tasted horrible, but the pain did start to go away.

Octavius turned towards Brian, "So where are you from?" he asked curiously.

"Let's just say that we're from a place far away, both in distance and in time" Peabody answered

"I believe he was talking to me" Brian said to Peabody, "You don't have to explain everything. You just happened to show up at the right time. You know nothing about my situation; you know nothing about where we came from, who we even are or what we're doing here. So stop trying to be so damn smart all the time, it's annoying."

Peabody said nothing.

Chris turned around and stared at Brian, "You know you don't have to be so hard on him Brian."

Brian literally slapped himself; he couldn't believe that this was happening. "You're taking _his_ side! What the hell Chris? I'm doing this for you! I got my leg torn off by a lioness for _your_ history project. When did you get it anyway? My guess is six months ago because you're lazy Chris. You're lazy, overweight and now you're an asshole. I did not almost get killed to be treated this way."

Chris rolled his eyes, "For your information" Chris began, "I got the project yesterday. It's due tomorrow and it's a lot of work. I've done enough research to make you puke blood, which you're probably getting ready to do anyway because your leg is gone."

Brian growled and unsheathed his claws, if it wasn't for Doju holding him down, he would've tackled Chris to the ground, sending them both out of the wagon and into the ditch on the side of the road.

Sherman, who remained relatively quiet, butted in. "Enough!" he cried, causing everyone to look at him with a surprised look. "You guys are supposed to be best friends. You can't let this one little setback take over your lives. If you do, what'll happen then? You'll tear each other apart and drive each other and then you'll have nothing. So stop being a bunch of inconsiderate bastards towards each other and learn some common decency."

Sherman did not so much as shout or raise his voice when he said this, his presence calming and authoritative.

Brian laid his head down on the side of the wagon, trying to block out the pain as it slowly returned to his leg and now was making its way up his back and all throughout his body. Chris stared ahead at the road saying nothing, Doju was still tending to Brian and Sherman and Octavius began playing a game of 20 questions. By the time they reached Delphi at nightfall, Brian was asleep, Chris was nodding off, Peabody was still singing random songs and Octavius and Sherman had just reached their 1,098th question in the game.

**The song by the way is "If He's Here, Who's Running Hell?" by Four Year Strong.**


End file.
